The old Barney, a shade of rotting eggplant, looked like he spent his nonsinging hours binging Cheetos and betting on horses while blitzed on uppers. The new Barney, now animated, must have gone to Beverly Hills for cosmetic surgery. If “The Flintstones” is rebooted, Fred will have bulging biceps and a hipster beard. The Care Bears appeared to hire Pharrell Williams as their stylist. The Trolls gave up their nudist lifestyle. Dora the Explorer traded her backpack for a stylish choker. Strawberry Shortcake ended up with a cooler hat and shoes. A couple of years ago, Thomas the Tank got a new look and somehow morphed from a cherubic blue steam engine to a diabolical locomotive who may dabble in off-track serial killing. I will never stop hating your T-Rex guts.īarney is also getting a makeover. I love you / You love me / We’re best friends like friends should be / With a great big hug / And a kiss from me to you / Won’t you say you love me too? “Barney & Friends” was not just a show for preschoolers - it was a sledgehammer to the soul of new parents who were already sleep deprived and lucky to sneak in a shower every third day. But the only way I could hate Barney more is if he were sipping a double-double from Tim Hortons. It would be juvenile for a grown man to hate a plush dinosaur who sang cloying songs about love and friendship. In a release sure to trigger PTSD in parents who survived the previous purple pandemic, Mattel is “relaunching” its “iconic Barney franchise” with new TV, film and YouTube content in 2024. The announcement, endorsed by Satan, arrived this week. We’d be better off bringing back asbestos. If you’re planning on having children, consider this a warning.īarney is coming back.
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